Klingon Technical Writers
Ok, so if I had to pick one, I’m definitely a Star Wars guy... but Star Trek is still in the mix. Regardless of where you stand, whether it be with the Rebel Alliance or Star Fleet, one thing is true... Klingons are no joke. And as tech writers, they’d be no nonsense in the way they handle their business.
As proof, I present the following list, which I came across back in 1999 and saved because it's awesome. I know it’s been circulated around the web in many forms, altered for various job titles, but here’s the classic tech writer version. BTW -- if you know who wrote this or where it originated, drop a note in the comments and I'll update the post to give credit.
So without further discussion, here are the top 15 things likely to be overheard if you worked with Klingon tech writers:
15. Certification?! Having your hot blood dripping from my glistening blade is all the certification I need!
14. I will return to the homeworld and my documentation will arise triumphant in the STC Documentation Gauntlet, leaving all others drowning in their own dangling modifiers. It will be glorious!!
13. Not returning my review copies by the agreed deadline is a declaration of war! Indeed, it is a good day to die.
12. These specifications are for the weak and timid!!
11. This version of Word is a piece of GAGH! I need the latest version of FrameMaker if I am to do battle with this manual.
10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
9. Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
8. What is this talk of "drafts"? Klingons do not make document "drafts." Our documents escape, leaving a bloody trail of SMEs in their wake!
7. Use of passive voice is for the weak. They will not survive.
6. Proofreading? Klingons do not proofread. Our documents are purified with pain-sticks which cleanses them of impurities and weakness.
5. I have challenged the entire Marketing team to a bat'leth contest! They will not concern us again.
4. A TRUE Klingon warrior riddles his document with bullets, leaving it to beg for mercy.
3. By changing the layout of my manual, you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
2. You question the worthiness of my grammar? I should kill you where you stand!
1. Our competitors will know fear and cower before our suite of manuals and online help! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
Update! The orignal author of the Klingon tech writer list has come forward... it's JD Hickey over at Docmentia Inc. Thanks for the laughs!